‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
  ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

  A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
  groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
  whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
  was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
 

  The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the
  feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
  incomprehensible to everyone else;
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
  possible later retrieval; and
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
  half your paycheck on accessories for it.

   The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be
  Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
  they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
  little longer, you could have gotten a better model…
 

The women won.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
* Romance 9.5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs , such as

* NHL 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
* Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
* Cooking 3.0 and
* Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Desperate

Tech Support

Here is the list:

1. If you ask me technical questions please don’t argue with me because you don’t like my answer. If you think you know more about the topic, why ask? And if I’m arguing with you…it’s because I am positive that I am correct, otherwise I’d just say “I don’t know” or give you some tips on where to look it up, I don’t have the time to just argue for the sake of it.

2. Starting a conversation by insulting yourself (i.e. “I’m such an idiot”) will not make me laugh, or feel sorry for you;  all it will do is remind me that yes, you are an idiot and that I am going to hate having to talk to you. Trust me;  you don’t want to start a call that way.

Had a few laughs? There’s More so Read On…

3. I am OK with you making mistakes, fixing them is my job. I am not OK with you lying to me about a mistake you made. It makes it much harder to resolve and thus makes my job more difficult. Be honest and we can get the problem resolved and continue on with our business.

4. There is no magic “Fix it” button. Everything takes some amount of work to fix, and not everything is worth fixing or even possible to fix. If I say that you just need to re-do a document that you accidentally deleted 2 months ago, please don’t get mad at me.  I’m not ignoring your problem, and it’s not that I don’t like you, I just can’t always fix everything.

5. Not everything you ask me to do is “urgent”. In fact, by marking things as “urgent” every time, you almost ensure that I treat none of it as a priority.

6. You are not the only one who needs help, and you usually don’t have the most urgent issue. Give me some time to get to your problem, it will get fixed.

7. Emailing me several times about the same issue in the same day is not only unnecessary, it’s highly annoying. Emails will stay until I delete them. I won’t delete them until I’m done with them. I will typically respond as soon as I have a useful update. If it is an urgent issue, let me know (see number 5).

8. Yes, I prefer email over telephone calls. It has nothing to do with being friendly, it’s about efficiency. It is much faster and easier for me to list out a set of questions that I need you to answer than it is for me to call and ask you them one by one. You can find the answers at your leisure and while I’m waiting I can work on other problems.

9. Yes, I seem blunt and rude. It’s not that I mean to, I just don’t have the time to sugar coat things for you. I assume we are both adults and can handle the reality of a problem. If you did something wrong, I will tell you. I don’t care that it was a mistake, because it really makes no difference to me. Don’t take it personal, I just don’t want it to happen again.

10. And finally, yes, I can read your email, I can see what web pages you look at while you are at work, yes, I can access every file on your work computer, and I can tell if you are chatting with people on an instant messenger or chat room (and can also read what you are typing). But no, I don’t do it. It’s unethical, I’m busy, and in all reality you aren’t all that interesting. So unless I am instructed to specifically monitor or investigate your actions, I don’t. There really are much more interesting things on the internet than you.

The point is we are all trying to do our jobs the best that we can and it’s easiest to do that if we all work together, stop pointing fingers and give other people the space that we would like to get as well. If we can do that more often than not, things will go well and work out.  Hope you enjoyed the list – I know I did and had a few laughs!  If none of them make sense before calling me, go back to number 1!

- James

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